Funny Quotes

When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped!

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."

"The shortest distance between two points is always under construction."

"A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done."

"It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it."

"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday."

"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

"Death is an acquired trait."

"I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark."

"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."

"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"

"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."

"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker! :D"

"I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe"

"Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers."

"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar."

"Despite the high cost of living it remains a popular item."

"Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter."

"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering." :D

"Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

"If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done."

"The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one."

"I don't know exactly what democracy is. But we need more of it."

"He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."

"If I Promise to miss you ... Will you go away?"

"To avoid delay, please have all your symptoms ready."- Notice in an English doctor's waiting room:D

"We've made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy."

"The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent."

"The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more."

 

Take care! be back soon

 

1)SHE: Do you only love me because my Daddy left me fortune?

HE: No. I'd love you whoever had left you the fortune.

 

2)Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy!

 

3) Jack stumbled into the house. "what's wrong?" asked his wife. " I had a great idea" he gasped, smiling proudly. " I ran all the way home behind the bus and saved myself 75c". His wife frowned. "That's just like you Jack, always thinking small" she said shaking her head. "Why didn't you run behind a taxi and save yourself $20!"

 

4) A woman went to the doctor, who broke to her the dreadful news that she only had 6 months to live. "That's terrible doctor, what should I do?" " I suggest you marry an accountant". "Why, will that make me live longer?" "No, but it will seem longer!"

 

5)"My company is looking for a new accountant" "But didn't you just hire one last week?" "Yes, and that's the one we are looking for!"

 

6) A firm had advertised for a new accountant and they reduced the candidates to a shortlist of 3. At his final interview, the first candidate was asked "what's 2+2?" "4" he replied. The second was asked the same question, and he also said "4". Then the third candidate was invited in and asked "what's 2+2?" He replied "what do you want it to be?" HE GOT THE JOB.

 

7) One of the shortest wills ever written read: "Being of sound mind, I spent all my money!"

 

8) CUSTOMER: Look, I bought this shirt yesterday and when I got it back home I found this huge great rip in the back. I want my money back.

 

SHOP ASSISTANT: I'm afraid we don't give refunds sir.

 

CUSTOMER: But the notice in your window says "MONEY REFUNDED IF NOT SATISFACTORY"

 

SHOP ASSISTANT: It certainly does, sir, but there was nothing wrong with your money!

 

 

9) "Can you keep a secret?" "Yes, of course I can keep a secret." " I want to borrow a $100." "Don't worry, it's as if I never heard it!"

 

10) There are 2 times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can!

 

11) Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the paroblem!

 

12) That money talks

      I'll not deny,

      I heard it once:

      It said 'Goodbye'

 

 

I don't have any more! But you keep smiling till I write up the next entry...